So I had been thinking about painting Wallace for awhile. When I found out that one of my professors might be coming to my show, I decided to go ahead with the painting. The professor that might attend taught me Reading Creative Non Fiction (Hunter S Thompson, Joan Didion, David Foster Wallace…). He’s a nice guy, and interested in art so I figure he might get a kick out of the painting.
I think it turned out ok, but there are a few things that I would change (the eyes). Why don’t I change them? I’m afraid of making them worse. I’m also getting a little tired of painting. It’s almost becoming mechanical. It’s funny because at the end of the previous school year essays were starting to feel mechanical as well.
I think I’m becoming mentally damaged because of the upcoming show. Or maybe my damagedness is just becoming more noticeable. I was having a panic attack before I started writing this post. I have that feeling that everyone else’s world is spinning but mine is still. People are going to start spinning by me. My little planet will be forgotten. I’ll look up and no one will be there.
No one will be there.
It also seems that if I talk about this too much, people will stop listening. They’ll hurry their spinning and move on. I wish I was one of those people who are good at being alone. Perfectly satisfied to live alone, eat alone, walk around alone, and plan alone.
I hate the idea of having to depend on people. But I suppose that’s how people have survived for so long. Having the show has made me realize how much I need people. Not having a vehicle really increases that need.
I guess I have two choices. 1) hope that when I open my eyes people will still be there, or 2) depend on no one.